Thursday, December 18, 2014

Eating Computers: The Why, The How, The Technnique

This is NOT A COMPUTER, dummy.

Selecting a Computer to Eat

Choose a fresh computer

Computers are best when they're fresh--just like regular food! If you use an old computer, like an Apple IIe, your dish is gonna taste like ass and your friends and family are going to hate you. They might already hate you, but they'll hate you more.

Laptops and tablets: Computer Rustica

Though it's tough to beat a desktop deal, some diners prefer laptops and tablets. These have the added benefit of being low-calorie, low-fat, low(er)-silicon. (source: aogdihsdogih)

Don't Eat It RAW

Fruits are dope, tea is dope. Are they the same?
Is tea really "tea juice"?
I don't think so! But maybe!
Should we ask a scientist?

If tea tries really, really hard it might be a fruit.
Anyone can achieve anything if they put their mind to it.

Preparing and Cooking your Computer

What it Feels like Coming Out

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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Tea: Is it a fruit?

I don't think this is tea!!! Image credit:

What are fruits, really?

Fruits are what fruit snacks are made out of, I think, sometimes.
When I buy fruit snacks I don't often look at the package, but I have some recollection that there are "grape" fruit snacks. Or, at least, grape-ish fruit snacks. And if I remember correctly, grapes are fruits. Or nuts. Or fruits. I think they are fruits.

I think my mom told me tomatoes are fruits.

My mom is always saying all kinds of things, and I'm rarely paying attention - more often I'm eating tomatoes. But one time, I think, she was all like, "That's a fruit!" And I was like, "huhhh?" And she was like, "Hey." And I was like, "Mom are you stoned." And she was like, "Huhhhhh." (correction: she was like, "Uhhhhhh")

Fruitcake: the next fruit?

Fruits are dope, tea is dope. Are they the same?
Is tea really "tea juice"?
I don't think so! But maybe!
Should we ask a scientist?

If tea tries really, really hard it might be a fruit.
Anyone can achieve anything if they put their mind to it.

Hey y’all, welcome to another POEMHACK! I am IN NEED of some more poems to look at! If you’re wondering, “Should I send Donald a poem?” the answer is yes! If you’re wondering, “Is Donald gonna tear my poem up and make me feel like shit for a couple days?” the answer is probably not! Unless you write an “Ode to Hitler” or an “Ode to Stalin” or something!* (source: queen mob's teahouse) 

Monday, October 20, 2014

How to Survive off of Rain Alone

eat it up yum yum eat some more rain you addict

Eating Rain: Surprisingly Delicious

Even unsalted, rain is delicious

You may think, "Oh, I don't want to eat rain, it's probably boring!" Well, news flash: You're Boring, buddy! Rain is an ancient dish, enjoyed by most cultures for thousands of years. Are you too good? Yeah, right.

Cooking rain: the lost art

You may think that rain is only delicious raw. Again, you're so wrong. Put that rain in an oven, crank the heat, wait twenty minutes, and enjoy nice crispy rain! Perfect for those late-night munchies.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Ramen Noodles vs. Horse Tornadoes: Who Would Win??

eat yourself you ramen guy

Ramen Noodles are BAD ASS

They are a complete breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

You can eat these non-stop, 24-hours per day, 600 days per year and you will only get stronger. Famous people have done this. For instance, the powerful Barack Obama is said to have eaten noodles for 400 years before defeating Andre the Giant to become the TALLEST MAN. 

They are full of wax.

Wax is from candles. Candles are from fire. Fire is from the sun. The sun is on the Japanese flag. Coincidence? No. 

They sometimes have plagues of insects in them.

I found a gigantic lobster in one. Lobsters are king of the insect kingdom. Keys to the kingdom, baby! 

Horse Tornadoes are TERRIFYING

What even is a horse tornado?

By mid-2010, the Food Network had made Fieri the "face of the network."[4] In 2010, the New York Times reported that Fieri brought an "element of rowdy, mass-market culture to American food television," and that his "prime-time shows attract more male viewers than any others on the network."[4] (wikipedia)

There is probably lots of poop in them.
Horses are also known as "noble steeds"  "dogs".

What are the bookies saying?

They do not know about this.

The Verdict

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

How to Beat Up Italy: Basta, punks!

Te sei pazzo!

Why should we beat up Italy?

Italy has been around for thousands of years and ain't done shit in forever.

The Romans were OK (just ok), but since then, what have Italians done? They've dissolved their parliament over 70 times since World War II alone! Come on!!

Pasta hoarding.

Sure, Thailand has noodles. Japan has noodles. Plenty of places have long thin noodles. But where besides Italy has pasta of all kinds of little funny shapes? Is it because other cultures do not appreciate funny-shaped pasta? 
I don't think so. 
It's because of the mafia.

Olive Oil Fraud

It’s an ongoing battle that each of us participates in, every time we stand in front of the olive oil section at our local grocery store. So that’s where I went to review the options; it wasn’t a scientific study, but it replicates the reality of what we see every time we shop. (from a great Forbes article that breaks this all down)
Limoncello tastes like ass, ruining my excellent childhood memory of drinking a small glass of it.

What if I'm scared to beat up Italy?


GROW A PAIR, BRAH. (correction: I know you got a pair)
Watch an Olive Garden commercial.

The Top 5 BEST techniques for UTTERLY DESTROYING Italy.


Atomic bombs.

Flaming nunchaku

Monday, April 21, 2014

Pandas: Why don't they just eat steak?

Pandas are OBSESSED with BAMBOO (wtf)

I've seen pandas eat bamboo like all day. I was at the zoo recently and this fucking panda, a real, real big panda, spent like 15 hours eating bamboo right in front of me. By the end of that 15 hours I was so hungry, so so hungry, but even then I did not want to eat bamboo.

The Glories of Meat

Meat is tha shit. Well, it's what makes some shit. And that shit is probably the best shit. I mean, have you ever heard of bacon? DUHHHHH.

Other Bears (they eat meat!!)

Do pandas hold themselves above other bears? Is meat NOT GOOD ENOUGH for them?? Wtf. Smh. I was always taught what's good for the goose is good for the gander. And I'm nearly sure there's a type of bear called a gander. [edit: Some asshat told me there's no such bear, and I'm all like, "do you know all bears???" and they're like "yes, I am a bear, and I know all of us" and so I guess ok.]

Monday, February 24, 2014

How NOT to use Vegetables: Dangers of Nutrition

As weapons

Veggies are NOT throwing stars!

Veggies are rarely aerodynamic, and they are too soft to stick neatly in someone's forehead. If you are trying to defend yourself in this way--just stop. Use your fist! Use your forehead! Use a real throwing star!

Veggies are NOT swords!

fool, don't do this

They are not guns, how could you even think that??

Thursday, February 20, 2014

How to Murder a Taco: Muerte y Comidas

This is what yr soft taco shd look like

Soft Tacos

Be tender!

Soft tacos are easily scared. You don't want all that adrenaline in their tortilla muscles harming the taste. Be tender! Give it a little rub before you stick that axe in its forehead.

Speak softly

It's creepier when you speak softly. This will increase your sick pleasure, while simultaneously keeping your victim-taco unaware of its terrible fate.