How to Beat Up Italy: Basta, punks!

Te sei pazzo!

Why should we beat up Italy?

Italy has been around for thousands of years and ain't done shit in forever.

The Romans were OK (just ok), but since then, what have Italians done? They've dissolved their parliament over 70 times since World War II alone! Come on!!

Pasta hoarding.

Sure, Thailand has noodles. Japan has noodles. Plenty of places have long thin noodles. But where besides Italy has pasta of all kinds of little funny shapes? Is it because other cultures do not appreciate funny-shaped pasta? 

I don't think so. 

It's because of the mafia.

Olive Oil Fraud

It’s an ongoing battle that each of us participates in, every time we stand in front of the olive oil section at our local grocery store. So that’s where I went to review the options; it wasn’t a scientific study, but it replicates the reality of what we see every time we shop. (from a great Forbes article that breaks this all down)

Limoncello tastes like ass, ruining my excellent childhood memory of drinking a small glass of it.

What if I'm scared to beat up Italy?

GET MAD!!!

GROW A PAIR, BRAH. (correction: I know you got a pair)
Watch an Olive Garden commercial.

The Top 5 BEST techniques for UTTERLY DESTROYING Italy.

Flip-kicks.

Atomic bombs.

Flaming nunchaku. 

Pandas: Why don't they just eat steak?

Pandas are OBSESSED with BAMBOO (wtf)

I've seen pandas eat bamboo like all day. I was at the zoo recently and this fucking panda, a real, real big panda, spent like 15 hours eating bamboo right in front of me. By the end of that 15 hours I was so hungry, so so hungry, but even then I did not want to eat bamboo.

The Glories of Meat

Meat is tha shit. Well, it's what makes some shit. And that shit is probably the best shit. I mean, have you ever heard of bacon? DUHHHHH.

Other Bears (they eat meat!!)

Do pandas hold themselves above other bears? Is meat NOT GOOD ENOUGH for them?? Wtf. Smh. I was always taught what's good for the goose is good for the gander. And I'm nearly sure there's a type of bear called a gander. [edit: Some asshat told me there's no such bear, and I'm all like, "do you know all bears???" and they're like "yes, I am a bear, and I know all of us" and so I guess ok.]

How NOT to use Vegetables: Dangers of Nutrition

As weapons

Veggies are NOT throwing stars!

Veggies are rarely aerodynamic, and they are too soft to stick neatly in someone's forehead. If you are trying to defend yourself in this way--just stop. Use your fist! Use your forehead! Use a real throwing star!

Veggies are NOT swords!

fool, don't do this

They are not guns, how could you even think that??